


Confessions Of a Building Contractor.

by steeleye



Series: It's Grim Up North. [15]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/M, Horror, Humour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-15
Updated: 2017-04-17
Packaged: 2018-10-19 03:13:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10630962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/steeleye/pseuds/steeleye
Summary: A 'Grim Up North' story: Of all the Scoobies, Xander was perhaps the most successful in a normal-life sort of way. Even so the weird and strange still found ways of intruding into his life.





	1. Chapter 1

Confessions Of a Building Contractor.

By Steeleye.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I write these stories for fun not profit.

 **Crossover:** Non-crossover.

 **Spelling, Punctuation, and Grammar:** Written in glorious English-English which is different to American-English.

 **Timeline:** Part of the 'Grim Up North 2' series of stories set in 2006.

 **Words:** Three chapters of 2500+ words.

 **Warnings:** A bit 'naughty' in parts...but it's all done in the _best_ possible taste!

 **Summary:** A 'Grim Up North' story: Of all the Scoobies, Xander was perhaps the most successful in a normal-life sort of way. Even so the weird and strange still found ways of intruding into his life.

0=0=0=0

**Xander's Apartment, Middlesbrough, Cleveland, England.**

The sunlight was just starting to intrude around the edges of the curtains as Alexander Harris lay in bed and stared at the ceiling. Although his face looked calm his mind was in fact racing; he was frantically trying to remember the name of the girl that lay asleep beside him. Was it 'Suzy', 'Sandra' or 'Stephanie'? He couldn't remember but he felt sure the girl's name began with an 'S' sound.

The previous evening he'd gone out with a few of his work buddies for a beer or three at their local watering hole. After a couple of beers Xander found himself alone in the pub, most of his work mates were married or had partners and they'd gone home leaving him to his own devices. That's when he'd been approached by the cute, busty, brunette who was now lying next to him sleeping the sleep of the sexually satisfied.

When Xander had first lost his eye, he'd had other things on his mind (helping Buffy fight The First being the main one), to realise that a lot of girls thought that a young, handsome, guy with an eye-patch was super sexy. It just so happen that, (insert girl's name beginning with 'S' here), was one of those girls. After a couple of more drinks, S-girl had gone with him back to his apartment and they'd ended up in bed together. After some more than adequate sex they'd both fallen asleep which was how he'd found himself lying next to an attractive young woman with no recollection of what her name was.

This sort of thing bothered Xander, he wasn't the sort of guy who went to bed with a girl without first finding out her name. Looking over at his night stand, Xander saw his alarm clock ticking away the minutes. It would soon be time for him to get up and go to work and he wasn't looking forward to that awkward few minutes between the girl waking up and her storming out of his flat in disgust. From what he remembered of last night she'd seemed the sort of girl that he'd maybe like to get to know better, he'd particularly like to know her name. Almost before this thought had gone through his mind the alarm clock started to ring.

0=0=0=0

Of all the Scoobies, Xander was perhaps the most successful in a normal-life sort of way. Even before they'd all left the States to come to England, he'd been doing well for himself. He'd had a good job, a car, a nice apartment and a girlfriend that he thought he'd be with for the rest of his life. But then the Sunnydale factor had kicked in and his world had started to fall apart. Losing his eye to Caleb had sort of been the final straw and he'd made up his mind that assuming The First didn't kill them all he was leaving town.

The leaving town part was easy, after the final fight in the caverns under Sunnydale there wasn't very much town left to leave. As they'd made their getaway, Giles had announced that there was another Hellmouth in Cleveland; so they'd all headed off in that direction after dropping off the wounded in LA. It was only when they'd got as far as Denver that Giles pointed out that he meant the Cleveland in England. Eventually, and thanks in no small way to Kennedy's credit cards, they made it to England and set up home in and around the Middlesbrough Hellmouth.

Finding work fairly swiftly, Xander soon had an apartment and a small van. He'd had a steady stream of work from the Slayer Organisation until the money started to run out. It was then that he'd had to look elsewhere for an income. However, things worked out and by the time the Slayer Organisation was back on its feet financially, Xander found he didn't need the work he was getting from Giles and Buffy so much anymore.

Yes, he was still their contractor of choice; yes, he still gave them priority when they needed repairs done; but now everything was on a more business-like footing. He'd not actually noticed them all drifting apart. It wasn't until Buffy was in prison that Xander realised he couldn't do the whole 'Scooby' thing anymore, and anyway they didn't really need him other than to do the repair stuff. Yes he still loved them all, even Giles in a very manly sort of way, but now everyone had someone and they were all living their separate lives, so why shouldn't he?

Willow had Kennedy, Faith had got together with Dawn, even Giles was seeing some mysterious woman, who he wouldn't talk about when he and Xander met in the pub for a few beers. Only Buffy didn't have a partner, which sort of made Xander sad because he still kinda of loved her. But what with Buffy's sexuality changing on an almost weekly basis, Xander never knew where he stood. Eventually he gave up any thoughts of ever having a romantic relationship with Buffy and went his own way.

0=0=0=0

“Hi,” Xander said as he pushed himself up the bed.

“Hi, Xander,” the girl replied as she yawned and rubbed the sleep from her eyes.

Crap! Cursing himself internally, Xander wondered how it was that the girl could remember his name but he couldn't remember hers.

“Erm...” Xander smiled guiltily down at the _really_ cute girl by his side, “...I'm not trying to get rid of you or anything, but I've got to get up and go to work, okay?”

“No that's fine,” the girl sat up and Xander caught sight of her breasts when she failed to keep them covered up, “What time is it?”

“What?” Xander only had 'time' for looking at the girl's fantastic breasts, he forced himself to look at her eyes, “Sorry?”

“The time?” the girl giggled making her breasts shiver and shake like two jellies on a plate.

“Erm...” Xander tore his eyes away from those luscious, wobbling breasts and looked at his alarm clock, “...it's just gone seven-thirty.”

“Seven-thirty!” the girl squeaked, “Oh crap I'm going to be late for work too,” she started to scramble out of bed not caring what Xander saw.

Xander started to realise that the rest of the girl's body was just as good as her breasts and he cursed himself up and down and from side to side for not being able to remember her name.

“Bathroom?” demanded the girl as she stooped to pick up her clothes.

“Erm...sorry?” Xander had become distracted by the girl's body again.

“Bathroom?” the girl repeated a little more forcefully.

“Erm, out the door, first on the left,” Xander pointed to the bedroom door; with her clothes bundled up in her arms, the girl headed for the bathroom. “I'll put some tea on,” he called as she disappeared from view.

With the girl out of the room, Xander swung his legs out of bed and put his feet on the floor. Standing up he crossed the room to where his work clothes lay and started to put them on, he could wash up a little at work. Quickly dressing he looked around his bedroom and noticed the girl's handbag lying on the floor next to the bed. Glancing towards the open bedroom door, he could hear water running in the bathroom. With a little luck he could look inside the girl's bag and maybe find out who she was.

Moving quickly, Xander walked around the bed and picked up the girl's bag. Searching it with an efficiency born of going through dozens of girl's bags looking for clues he found her driver's licence, Charlotte Wood; there he knew her name started with an 'S' sound. Charlotte was nineteen years old and the photograph on her licence didn't do her justice. Hearing the bathroom door open he hurriedly thrust the licence back into the bag and placed the bag on the bed as if he'd only just picked it up. Turning towards Charlotte as she came back into the room he smiled.

“You left your bag,” he pointed to the bag on the bed.

“Oh you're a sweetie,” Charlotte, now fully dressed stepped over to Xander and kissed him on the cheek before asking, “Tea?”

“Tea?” Xander repeated, her kiss had sent little shivers of electricity through his body.

“Are you always like this in the morning?” Charlotte asked, “You said something about tea.”

“Yes I did,” Xander admitted as he gathered his wits, he desperately didn't want to appear the idiot to this girl because he'd really like to see more of her...not _more_ of her because he thought he'd see all there was to see of her, but he'd like to see her again; realising that Charlotte was watching him with a bemused smile on her face Xander stopped his mental babble and said, “Tea...kitchen...this way.”

0=0=0=0

After making and drinking their tea, Xander (ever the gentleman) offered to drive her to her work or home or wherever she wanted to go.

“John 'o' Groats?” Charlotte asked with a mischievous grin.

“If I knew where or who that was I'd take you there,” Xander replied gallantly.

“No need,” Charlotte relented, “but could you drop me off at the bus station in town?”

“Not a problem,” Xander picked up the keys for his truck, “if you don't mind going in my truck.”

“That Toyota outside?” Charlotte asked, Xander nodded, “I don't mind.”

0=0=0=0

The drive to the bus station was too short as far as Xander was concerned, however, he did find out that Charlotte worked for a local temping agency. At present she was working as a receptionist for a company that'd set up business on one of the new industrial estates. All too soon and before he could find out very much more about her, they arrived at the bus station.

“Are you sure I can't drive you home or to work?” Xander almost pleaded, it seemed that the more he got to know about Charlotte the more he wanted to know.

“No, honest I'm fine,” Charlotte smiled, “now you get on or you'll be late.”

“Yeah...” Xander hesitated before he took his life in his hands, “Can I have your phone number coz I'd really like to see you again and I don't mean just for sex but that was good and if you ever want to have sex with me again I won't say no, but I really, really want to see you again...” Xander gasped for breath.

“Wow!” Charlotte laughed, “such breath control, do you practice?”

“Not so much as I used to,” he admitted, “please can I have your number...I mean if you don't want to see me again you could always give me a wrong number.”

“Here,” Charlotte took a note book and pencil from her bag and scribbled down a number, “that's my mobile number, if you want to, call me this evening.”

“Gee thanks,” Xander clutched the piece of paper in his hand; even now he was twenty-six he still found it amazing that pretty girls could find him desirable.

“Call me,” Charlotte leant towards Xander and kissed him on the cheek.

When he came back from the happy place he'd drifted off to he found himself alone in his truck, the passenger door was closed and if it hadn't been for the slight trace of Charlotte's perfume in the air he'd have thought it'd all been a dream. Signing wistfully and pulling himself together, he started the engine of his truck and pulled away from the curb. If he didn't hurry he really would be late.

0=0=0=0

Hiding behind a bus shelter, Charlotte watched Xander's truck pull away and head off in the general direction of the river Tees. Normally she wasn't in the habit of picking up guys in pubs; but last night she'd needed a little love and affection. She'd just had a particularly hard kill and she'd really needed that affirmation of life thing that people went on about. Going into the pub she'd seen Xander standing there looking all manly with his eye-patch and she'd thought she might take a chance. After all she had nothing to fear from random men if they didn't turn out to be _nice_. If they turned out to be utter bastards she could always break a few bones. But Xander had been a gentleman (even though he'd forgotten her name and she'd had to leave her bag behind so he could look at her driving license) and he was good in bed and she really hoped he'd call her tonight.

Once Charlotte was sure Xander and his truck was out of site, she turned away from the bus station and walked off into the town proper towards the Cleveland Centre where she'd left her car. It was time to go home and have another shower, change and generally recover for all the excitement of the previous night.

0=0=0=0

Pulling up in Bob the Builder's yard, Xander switched off the truck's engine and climbed out before heading off towards the office. He didn't exactly work for Bob, but he did do a lot of work for the local builder and Xander put a lot of slayer based work Bob's way. Like fitting Buffy's new executive bathroom or doing the yearly repair work at Slayer Central. Bob and his guys could be trusted not to blab about what they saw up at the old holiday camp; so they got the lion's share of any work going on up at 'Central'.

“Hi Sonya,” Xander called cheerfully as he walked into the office, “anything for me today?”

Sonya was Bob's girlfriend, she also did the accounts and generally ran the office side of Bob's business.

“Morning Xander,” Sonya called back, she was an attractive, blonde woman in her late twenties, “you look pleased with yourself, did you get lucky last night?” Sonya also had an uncanny ability to be able to tell if Xander had had sex the night before. “You really need to find a steady girlfriend...hey what about my cousin Jo?”

She also seemed determined to off load this cousin Jo onto him.

“Yes I did meet someone,” Xander admitted (it was pointless trying to fool Sonya), “and no I don't want a steady girlfriend (well he did but only if her name was Charlotte), but, I could do with some work so what-cha-got?”

“Your loss,” Sonya replied as she started to look through the pile of work sheets in her 'in' tray, “I mean Jo's a nice girl...” Sonya flicked through the printed sheets of paper as she spoke, “...she can cook and sow and keep house, just the sort of...ah, here we are!”

Sonya handed the work sheet to Xander.

“Mrs Martin, thirty-eight Cook Avenue,” Sonya repeated the address from memory, “Bob wanted you to look at this one as you're so good at doing estimates.”

Shrugging, Xander looked at the work sheet. It was true he was pretty good at doing competitive estimates for jobs, he didn't know how, he'd never really shone at anything like it at school. It seemed Mrs Martin wanted to remodel her up stairs bathroom and have a patio built in the back garden.

“Okay,” Xander nodded, “I can do that,” he glanced at his watch, it was still a little early to be knocking on people's doors, “Time for a cuppa?” he smiled expectantly at Sonya.

“I don't know why your looking at me,” Sonya said as she tidied away the worksheets, “if you want tea you make it yourself especially after you've turned down my Cousin Jo...”

“Whatever,” Xander sighed as he turned towards the kitchenette in the corner of the office.

“Two sugars for me,” Sonya hinted as Xander filled the kettle.

0=0=0=0


	2. Chapter 2

2.

**Thirty-eight Cook Avenue.**

Walking up the drive of 38 Cook Avenue, Xander took a few moments to check the place out. It was a large two story house (at least three bedrooms, probably four) built within the last three to five years and situated on an estate filled with similar houses, Xander thought it was very much like the house that Willow and Kennedy had recently moved into. For just the shortest of moments, Xander felt the tinniest twinge of jealousy for his friend. Beating the green eyed monster about the head, he smiled; deep down he was glad for Willow, she was happier now than she'd been in a very long time. Willow had a girlfriend who loved her, a nice house and a job she liked; she worked at the local university in their computer sciences department.

Walking up to the front door, Xander raised his hand and knocked. He waited...he waited quite a long time...he checked his watch. It was just a few minutes shy of ten o'clock, surely this Mrs Martin would be up by now. Raising his hand to knock again he found that the door had been opened and he was about to knock on a woman's breast. Quickly he lowered his hand before smiling guiltily up at what had to be the lady of the house.

“Mrs Martin?” Xander asked for want of anything better to say.

“Yes?” Mrs Martin was a blonde of about medium height and in her early thirties, she had a pleasant smile and warm green eyes.

“Hi I'm Xander Harris,” Xander introduced himself, “I'm from 'Bob the Builders', our secretary Sonya called to say I'd be here this morning.”

“Oh yes!” Mrs Martin smiled hungrily at Xander, “Please come in.”

Stepping into the hall way, Xander noticed all the boxes and crates lying around, as Mrs Martin turned towards him, he noticed that the robe she was wearing (a very expensive, oriental looking robe that went from a low neck line to her ankles) opened slightly to reveal long smooth looking legs and high heeled slippers.

“Please excuse the mess,” Mrs Martin smiled widely, “but I've only just moved in and my husband's away working on one of the North Sea gas rigs.”

“Oh, not a problem,” Xander reassured her.

“Can I offer you tea, coffee, or do you want to get down to it straight away?” Mrs Martin took a step towards Xander, reached around his body and pushed the front door closed.

“Oh boy,” Xander sighed so quietly that he didn't think Mrs Martin had heard him; he should be used to lonely housewives hitting on him by now, aloud he said, “I think I should get on now, we can discuss details later if you like...”

“Oh yes, I'd like that...a lot,” Mrs Martin was almost licking her lips with anticipation as she looked Xander up and down with hunger in her eyes.

“...erm, it was a bathroom and a patio you wanted estimates on, right?” Xander steered the conversation back to business.

“Of course,” Mrs Martin stopped undressing him with her eyes and pointed to the stairs, “it's the upstairs bathroom,” Mrs Martin moved towards the stairs, brushing Xander with her breasts as she squeezed by him.

Following Mrs Martin upstairs, Xander was treated to a full on view of her butt as it swung seductively from side to side right in front of his eyes. Feeling a little hot he reached up to loosen his collar only to find it was already loose.

“Sheesh!” he sighed softly as they reached the upstairs landing.

Looking around he saw doors to three large bedrooms only one of which was in use, the rest were full of moving boxes. Turning to his left he saw Mrs Martin leaning up against the door frame of the bathroom.

“Is this the bathroom?” Xander asked before he could stop himself; of course it was the bathroom unless there was another bathroom hidden somewhere.

“Yes,” Mrs Martin breathed heavily making her breasts rise and fall like a couple of well proportioned empires, seeing she'd got Xander's undivided attention she asked, “Would you like to see them...” she giggled girlishly before correcting herself, “...I'm sorry, I meant the bathroom?”

“Yes ma'am,” Xander returned her smile as he stepped towards the bathroom door.

Almost taking up all the space in the doorway, Mrs Martin rubbed her body against Xander's again as he squeezed passed her. Telling himself to concentrate on the job in hand, Xander got out a note book and pencil, turning towards Mrs Martin he asked...

“So, what did you have in mind?”

“Oh you naughty boy!” Mrs Martin smiled and fluttered her eyelashes at him, “And we've only just met too.”

“No,” Xander tried to explain himself, “I meant what would you like me to do?”

“Well,” this time Mrs Martin did in fact lick her lips, “I thought once we'd finished here we could...”

“No!” Xander clarified before things descended into the realms of farce, “I meant what would you like me to do to the bathroom?”

“Oooh!” Mrs Martin pretended that there hadn't been any misunderstandings, “Oh I see...”

Over the next two or three minutes, Mrs Martin explained her vision for her bathroom.

“Well,” Mrs Martin posed temptingly in the bathroom doorway, “I'll leave you to it while I slip into something more comfortable...”

Xander couldn't help thinking that if Mrs Martin was any more comfortable she'd...adjectives failed him for a moment...she'd be so comfortable she'd probably be asleep. Watching as Mrs M's shapely behind swayed off in the direction of her bedroom, Xander turned his attention back to the job in hand. Taking the measuring tape off his belt he started to measure the room; he took measurements in both Imperial and Metric. He'd found that if you only took measurements in one system, people invariably wanted them in the system you'd not used.

The trick with doing estimates was the ability to visualise what the client wanted, and then to calculate what materials and labour you'd need to make their dreams come true. Little details like colours could wait until later. To be honest Xander couldn't see what was wrong with the bathroom as it was now, he smiled to himself as he jotted things down in his notebook. If women had to do all the plumbing and the painting and the moving things around he suspected there'd be a lot less plumbing, painting and moving things around to do and he'd be out of a job!

Taking one final look around the bathroom, Xander checked his notes to make sure he'd got all the information he needed before walking out into the hall. Standing in the hall way at the top of the stairs he could neither hear or see Mrs Martin.

“Mrs Martin?” he called softly, there was no answer, “Mrs Martin?” he called again as he walked over to the bedroom door where he'd last seen her; peeping around the door he found the room bereft of any Mrs Martin's.

The room did contain a King sized bed with rumpled sheets and a duvet tossed carelessly to one side. Like every other room in the house this one had its fair share of mover's boxes piled up on the floor. As he looked at the boxes, Xander frowned, senses long honed in the mayhem of Sunny-Hell were trying to tell him something...but what was it?

Casting his eyes around the room for some sort of clue (a clue for what he didn't know, but he'd know it when he saw it), Xander found his eyes coming to rest on the storage boxes. Stepping towards one pile of four he ran his hand across the top most box. He looked at his fingers to see them covered in dust, he looked at the box top to see his hand had left a clean area, he shrugged. 

So what, he told himself, maybe Mrs Martin was a slow unpacker, hadn't she said she'd only just moved in? But, another part of his mind told him, a build up of dust like that would take more than a couple of weeks to accumulate particularly if Mrs Martin was moving around and shifting boxes. Deciding he was being foolish, he turned his back on the room and headed on downstairs, Mrs Martin was probably just making tea in the kitchen.

0=0=0=0

Walking into the kitchen, Xander found Mrs Martin standing at the sink filling a kettle with water. He gasped quietly as he walked into the room, when Mrs Martin had said she was going to change into something more comfortable she'd not been joking. Having discarded her long robe she'd changed into a short robe that exposed her long, shapely legs. The robe was loosely tied at the waist; there was a long 'V' that showed off her silky smooth skin from her neck to almost down to her belt. Her breasts jiggled enticingly every time she moved and threatened to pop out of her robe whenever she reached for something. Hearing Xander's heavy breathing she turned to face him.

“I thought you might like some...” she paused to breath deeply and opened the neck of her robe a little more with her free hand, she breathed out huskily, “...tea.” 

“Oh god yes,” Xander nodded as he moved in a daze towards one of the chairs positioned around the breakfast table.

“I thought we could have a nice cup of tea while we discussed...” Mrs Martin moved across the room on feet encased in black shoes with impossibly high heels, “...what...I...want!”

“Anything you want Mrs M,” Xander replied eagerly, “the customer is always right that's our motto...”

Xander watched mesmerised as Mrs Martin switched on the kettle and got out the cups. Getting out the cups involved her bending over to get at a low cupboard and giving Xander a glimpse of the delights that awaited him under her robe. Moving around the kitchen as her robe became increasingly looser until it was on the point of falling open completely, Mrs Martin went to the sink and dumped some used coffee grains into the sink before switching on the waste disposal unit, flicking the switch several times, Mrs Martin failed to get the unit to work.

“Oh, damn,” she breathed heavily as her robe loosened another half inch or so, “the waist disposal's broken,” she turned towards Xander and pulled the top of her robe closed a little...which had the effect of coursing the hem to open a little more. “I wonder if you could have a look at _it_ for me?”

“Sure thing ma'am!” Xander jumped to his feet and was across the room in an instant.

Kneeling down by the sink, he opened the cupboard door under the unit to look at the waste disposal. Immediately he saw what was wrong, the waste disposal had a loose power lead. Turning his head to speak to Mrs Martin he found his eyes at crouch height to the woman, he swallowed hard and spoke, when his voice came out in a hoarse whisper, he swallowed and tried again.

“I can see what's wrong,” he told her as he manfully tried to ignore those long legs that disappeared up into the flimsy protection of her robe, “it looks like you've got a loose wire.”

“I have?” Mrs Martin replied in surprise, “I wonder how that happened...?”

“Yeah, I wonder,” Xander said to himself softly as he pulled his trusty screwdriver from his pocket.

“...mind-you I'm not surprised,” Mrs Martin went on seemingly oblivious to the man down by her legs, “I think the house must be cursed or something. Everything's been going wrong since I moved in, only last week my washing machine ruined all my clothes...now I've hardly got anything to wear...”

“Yeah right,” mind on your work Harris, Xander told himself, “could you switch the unit on please?”

“Of course,” Mrs Martin leant across Xander and the sink to switch on the waste disposal, in doing so her robe rode up to reveal a neat little triangle of blonde curls where her legs joined. 

Distracted by the sight not six inches from his eyes, Xander didn't notice the waste disposal working until he heard Mrs Martin's screams of panic. Realising what must have happen, Xander tried to disconnect the unit from its power source, but he couldn't get the wire to disconnect. Jumping to his feet he found Mrs Martin screaming in terror; the long loose sleeve of her robe was trapped in the waste disposal unit and her arm was slowly being dragged towards the units sharp rotating knives.

Holding onto Mrs Martin's arm in an attempt to prevent her hand from being mangled, Xander flicked the on-off switch in desperation, still the waste disposal pulled Mrs Martin's hand towards its teeth like some living thing intent on eating her arm. Seeing the solution to the problem, Xander moved quickly to save Mrs Martin's arm. First he yanked off the belt to her robe, next he pulled the robe from her free arm allowing it to slip from her body. The waste disposal unit eagerly devoured the robe, but Mrs Martin's arm was safe...she was also completely nude (apart from her shoes but Xander could be forgiven for not noticing this minor distinction).

“You saved me!” Mrs Martin gasped as she threw herself into Xander's arms, “How can I ever repay you?”

Obviously, Mrs Martin had already thought this problem through as she was even now dragging Xander across the room towards the kitchen table.

“All part of the 'Bob the Builder' service,” Xander replied weakly as he let the woman pull him across the room.

Between pulling on Xander's arm and kissing him passionately on the lips, Mrs Martin steered them across the kitchen until she stood with her back against the table. Sweeping cups and saucers onto the floor she rested her butt on the edge of the table and opened her legs wide. Pulling Xander close she started to unbuckle his belt and pull down his jeans. Succeeding in getting Xander's jeans unzipped she pushed them off his hips, reaching into his underpants she took hold of his penis and started to rub it like she was a pantomime character with a magic lamp.

Kissing Mrs Martin's eager lips, Xander's hands found their way up to her breasts as she leaned back across the table. Sighing as he felt Mrs Martin guide him into her, Xander couldn't help thinking that he'd made the right decision striking out on his own and away from the life of a Scooby, Of course it was also at this point that he noticed that things weren't quite as they seemed to be. He hadn't been inside Mrs Martin for more than about thirty seconds when Xander found himself going all...fuzzy; yes, 'fuzzy' would be the best description.

There was a strange buzzing sound in his head, his hands felt numb and he was finding it difficult to see or even move. Mrs Martin's lips were glued to his own and her body seemed to be sucking him dry of his life force. Suddenly memories of Inca Mummy Girls sucking the life out of everyone flashed into his mind.

Screaming in terror, Xander managed to pull himself from Mrs Martin's lips. Pushing himself up on his arms he looked down and saw not the sexy woman he'd been about to make love to, but some sort of hideous creature with large, black, eyes, claws on the ends of her fingers, a mouth full of fangs and a body covered in long grey hair.

Once again Xander screamed like a girl.

0=0=0=0


	3. Chapter 3

3.

**Thirty-eight Cook Avenue.**

Pushing himself away from Mrs Martin, Xander desperately tried to pull up his jeans as he backed away from the hideous creature.

“Don't you find me attractive?” the monster that had formally been Mrs Martin tossed her head to get the long, lank strands of hair that had fallen across her face out of her eyes.

“Erm...” Xander looked around desperately for some sort of weapon; of course there was never anything close to hand when you needed it, “...hey, y'know how it is...” Xander backed towards the back door, “...never mix business with pleasure!”

“Men!” Mrs Martin stalked slowly towards where Xander stood, his jeans still half way between his knees and waist, “You're all the same...trying to run off when I show my true nature...”

With his back now resting against the door, Xander put his right hand behind his back to search for the door handle while his left still tugged frantically at his jeans.

“...I only need one more life...” Mrs Martin explained as she slowly got closer and closer to where Xander fumbled with the door handle, “...and I can remain in this world of humans forever...” suddenly Mrs Martin stopped moving and stood up straight, her demeanour changing in the blink of an eye. “Do you know what its like to live where I come from?”

“Erm...no!” Xander shook his head; by now he'd found the door knob, twisted it and discovered the door was locked, luckily the key was still in the lock.

“First there's all the sulphur fumes, so bad for the complexion...”

“Yeah I can see that,” twisting the key, Xander sighed with relief as he felt the door unlock and open.

“...and there's absolutely nowhere to shop!” continued Mrs Martin angrily.

In a flash, Xander could see what Mrs Martin was doing; she was distracting him as she crept closer and into pouncing range. With a bestial snarl, Mrs Martin leapt at Xander reaching for his throat with her long sharp talons. At the same time Xander pushed himself backwards and through the door as Mrs Martin landed where he'd been standing only a second before. Throwing himself at the door he managed to get it closed before Mrs Martin recovered her balance. Jamming the door handle with a broom, Xander backed away from the door as Mrs Martin pounded on the other side in her frustrated attempts to get at him.

“That should hold her for a while,” Xander told himself as he pulled up his jeans and secured his belt, “I guess we're not going to get the contract for the bathroom remodelling after all.”

Now properly dressed, Xander could concentrate on escape and calling down the wrath of the Slayer Organisation on to Mrs Martin's head. Checking his pockets for his mobile phone he remembered that he'd left it charging in his truck. Cursing himself for his stupidity he turned to find he was in the garage built onto the side of the house, there was no car but there were half a dozen desiccated bodies lying neatly stacked against the far wall; once again Xander screamed like a girl.

“OH MY GOD!” Xander found himself backing away from the bodies before he regained control of himself.

Pulling himself together once again, Xander stepped towards the bodies. There were six of them (obviously he would have been the seventh), there was a postman, a plumber (Xander could tell because the corpse still clutched a plunger in his hand), there was a woman (probably the real Mrs Martin) and another man who'd likely been the real Mrs Martin's husband. Before Xander could finish his inspection of the dead, Demonic Mrs Martin succeeded in getting the garage door open. With a yell half way between a scream of rage and a snarl, Mrs Martin jumped into the centre of the garage and turned to face Xander.

“Hello lover,” Mrs Martin's face twisted into facsimile of a smile, “not trying to get away now are you?”

Mrs Martin took a step towards Xander and got hit on the side of the head with a shovel for her pains. Unlike kitchens, garages tended to have things like shovels and garden implements just lying around and waiting for someone who was being chased by a monster to grab them. Staggering to one side at the force of the blow, Mrs Martin wasn't one-hundred percent ready to meet Xander's next swing with his shovel. However, she was ready enough to soak up some of the power of the hit and grab hold of the handle. Pulling the shovel from Xander's grasp she launched herself at him intent on sucking the life force from his body (and not in a nice way).

However, years of dodging vicious demons in Sunnydale saved Xander's life once again. Throwing himself to one side he landed on his shoulder and rolled back to his feet. Unfortunately he now found himself trapped in the corner of the garage with Mrs Martin between him and any hope of escape. Backing into the corner, Xander looked around desperately for another weapon, all he could see was another broom.

Managing to pick up the broom and hold it out in front of him, Xander caught Mrs Martin in the chest and held her in place as she snarled and took ineffectual swipes at his head with her clawed hands. While Mrs Martin (had she been asked) was in all likelihood in favour of shorter broom handles, Xander was definitely thinking that the standard broom handle needed to be at least two feet longer. Doing a sort of weird folk dance around each other, Xander kept the snarling Mrs Martin (she was one really unhappy customer) at bay with his broom as he manoeuvred himself towards another door.

With a cry of joy, Xander saw that the door was unbolted and had no lock. Pushing on the broom handle he managed to unbalance Mrs Martin enough for him to let go of the broom and throw himself at the door. With a heartfelt prayer of thanks to any gods that might be listening, he found the door opened easily. Hurling himself through the door, he slammed it closed behind him and leant against it; he felt Mrs Martin throw herself at the door in rage. The door opened enough for her to get one clawed hand around the edge. Weaponless, Xander was forced to bite the hand that wanted to feed on him. Spitting hair from his mouth he heard Mrs Martin scream in pain as she rapidly withdrew her hand.

Finding himself in the back garden, Xander looked for something to barricade the door with. It was just his luck that there was nothing in reach. Trusting to his luck (and he really should have know better considering what his luck had been like up to now), he let go of the door and sprinted around the garage to where he hoped his truck was still parked. Skidding around the garage, Xander heard the door slam open and became aware of Mrs Martin's excited breathing just behind him. Wishing he'd done more sport at high school or taken up some active pass time since he'd come to England, Xander ran as fast as he could. Coming around the last corner he saw his truck parked in the road exactly where he'd left it. However, he could also feel Mrs Martin's hot, rancid breath on the back of his neck. Digging the keys out of his pocket as he ran, Xander pointed it at the truck and pressed the button on the side of the key. There was a 'Beep-beep' sound as the truck's lights flashed and its doors unlocked.

With a cry of hope Xander's hand came into contact with the handle on the door of the truck. Pulling it open he climbed aboard before slamming the door behind him and locking it and the passenger door. Fumbling to put the key into the ignition he noticed for the first time that Mrs Martin hadn't followed him out onto the road. Obviously if her neighbours found out that she was, in reality a life-force sucking fiend from hell they wouldn't invite her to any more diner parties or coffee mornings. Looking back towards the house, Xander saw no sign of Mrs Martin and started to relax as he caught his breath. Picking up his mobile from where it lay under the dash board, he hit the speed dial for Slayer Central.

“Hello,” Buffy's voice came like a breath of fresh air to Xander's ear, “you have reached the Slayer monster hotline...” 

“Damn it!” Xander cursed, he'd reached the slayer answering service.

“...if you wish to report a vampire press one...” Buffy's voice continued, “If you wish to report a fiend from the very pit of hell, press two...for other suspected supernatural creatures press three, for an extra terrestrial menace press four...”

Xander waited with growing impatience as recorded Buffy went through her list until she finally got to...

“If you wish to report an attack by a soul or life force sucking fiend, press 15...”

Pressing '15' on his key pad, Xander couldn't help thinking that Buffy should maybe simplify the reporting procedure.

“Hello,” Buffy's voice changed tone slightly, “you have now reached the 'attacked by a soul or life force sucking fiend' section of the menu, at the sound of the tone please leave your name, a telephone number where you can be contacted and a short description of the fiend and where it was last seen.” Xander took a deep breath and was just about to leave his message when recorded Buffy interrupted him, “The Slayer Organisation thanks you for your call, remember that without your help we cannot save the world from the weird and wacky. If you'd like to become part of the fight against the unnatural or wish to donate money or goods to the Slayer Organisation call the number given at the end of this message. Once again the Slayer Organisation thanks you for your call.”

By the time the tone sounded, Xander had almost forgotten why he'd called in the first place. After giving his message, Xander hung up and looked at his phone. He couldn't help thinking that Buffy and the guys were getting just a little too 'corporate' for his liking.

0=0=0=0

Secure in the knowledge that a slayer would be dispatched to 'deal' with Mrs Martin in an extremely bloody and unpleasant way, Xander drove back to the builder's yard. He'd have to explain to Bob that they wouldn't be getting the contract for Mrs Martin's remodelled bathroom and new patio due to her being a fiend from the hellmouth. As it turned out Bob took the news philosophically and told Xander that he could take the rest of the afternoon off if he wanted.

Feeling a little drained after his previous nights amorous adventures with Charlotte and nearly being drained of his life force by Mrs Martin, Xander headed for home. After making himself lunch, he spent most of the afternoon tidying up his flat and doing his laundry. He'd let the place get a little messy over the last week or two. He'd been thinking that if he got to invite Charlotte over to his apartment again it might be a good idea to show her he wasn't a slob or insensitive to a young woman's needs; with this in mind he changed his sheet and duvet cover just in case.

Sitting down with a cup of tea, Xander noticed that it was nearly five o'clock. Searching his pockets he found the piece of paper with Charlotte's phone number on it. He could tell from the numbers that it was a mobile line but couldn't remember whether she'd said if she'd be at home or work.

“Charlotte Wood?” Xander asked after he'd dialled the number.

“Wow,” came a familiar feminine voice from the other end of the line, “you're improving, you can actually remember my name now.”

“It helps once I've seen it written down,” Xander replied, “I was wondering if you were free tonight?”

“That depends on what you've got in mind,” Charlotte replied; Xander could hear the smile in her voice.

“Oh, I thought a movie and then dinner or we could do the equally exiting diner followed by a movie.”

“Oh that's a difficult one,” Charlotte mused, “I think a movie and then diner, that way we can talk about the movie while we're eating.”

“Sounds good to me,” Xander confirmed as his heart did celebratory back flips in his chest.

“But I'll only go out with you on one condition,” Charlotte announced.

“One condition?” Xander repeated hesitantly, “What sort of condition?”

“That you don't expect me to jump into bed with you at the end of the evening,” Charlotte explained, “last night I needed some love and attention, you see I'd had an aggressively bad day. I don't normally go to bed with guys on a first date...”

“Okay,” Xander replied slowly, it could have been worse, she might have said 'no' to the movie and dinner thing, “I can live with that...I mean I can understand that.”

“I'd like to get to know you better before we try out the sex part of our relationship again,” Charlotte explain, “you understand that don't you?”

“Yeah,” Xander sighed resignedly, “I guess I do...so, where can I pick you up?”

0=0=0=0

Humming softly to herself Charlotte washed the blood from her hands and forearms as she reminisced about her date with Xander the previous evening. They'd gone to the cinema and he'd let her chose the film and hadn't complained once about it being a chick-flic-rom-com. After the film they'd gone to a very nice Indian restaurant and had an extremely pleasant meal. Over their food, Xander explained how he'd come to live in England; Charlotte had a feeling he was holding something back about this but she hadn't pressed him for details, that would come later. After they'd finished their meal, Xander had been a perfect gentleman and driven her home; at least he'd driven her to the address she'd claimed was her home. He'd not tried to pressure her into going back to his flat and going to bed with him again. This was good because if he had and he'd not taken 'no' for an answer she would have had to kill him and she really didn't want to do that. Well not until after she'd found out why he was lying to her and even then she might not kill him.

Whatever, the evening had ended with a chased kiss on 'her' doorstep and Charlotte watching the tail lights of his truck as it drove to the end of the road, turned the corner and vanished into the night. Alone now, Charlotte walked quickly to where she'd parked her car and drove herself home; she still had work to do that night before she could go to bed. Luckily these days she didn't seem to need so much sleep as she once had.

Picking up a hand towel, Charlotte dried her hands as she studied the body all wrapped up in plastic sheeting on the floor of her cellar. Although she'd parcelled up the body she would still need to dispose of it and clean up the blood that stained the floor and walls of her basement interrogation room. It had taken four or five days of 'vigorous' interrogation for the woman to admit to being a witch. Why, she asked herself, did they try to deny it? She could always feel the darkness in their souls like some malignant beast waiting, coiled ready to entrap the unwary. Waiting to entangle people like Xander in their webs of deceit and darkness...and hadn't Xander mentioned that one of his American friends was a 'Wicca'? Charlotte frowned, she'd need to look into that.

But this could all wait until tomorrow. In the afternoon she'd put the body in the back of her car and drive it up to the moors where she'd dispose of it in that old, flooded quarry she'd found. When she came home from getting rid of the body, she'd have to clean up down here before starting to look for her next target, perhaps she'd look at this wicca 'friend' of Xander's. 

But that was for tomorrow, hanging up the towel to dry she picked up her watch and checked the time. Gasping she looked at the watch, she'd not realised how late it was, or early, it depended how you looked at things. However, she still had enough time to get two or three hours sleep before she had to go to work in the morning. Funny, she thought as she headed for the stairs that led up in to the house, funny how time seemed to fly by while you were having fun.

The End


End file.
